constipated

the title's crude, I know, not my typical writing style, or rather my blogging style...

but yes, that's how I feel now. It's been a month since I last updated my blog, during the silence of the blog, I have gone on a one-week trip in China, had a not-big-nor-small disagreement with Charles, met with lethargy & inertia at my work... realised I have lost my passion for life & love... attempted to rediscover (myself) again, wondering where I've lost me again....

thoughts, thousands of them swimming in my brain everyday since then, like tadpoles in puddles after the rain... they r stuck in my mind, i can't express them, perhaps too jumbled, perhaps too much, perhaps some thoughts r just unspeakable. the irony of blogging is that the reason we publish our rantings on such an open & public platform implies we want to be read... we want someone to share our views, perhaps we were foolishly inspired by writers, by artists... or maybe just the need to make ourselves heard. The double-edged sword cuts when we want to say something on our mind and we fear what is written might cause damage to relationships... expression is no longer unrestrained....

on Sunday while out kayaking, my & some of my crazy friends stumbled casually upon the topic of privacy, be it between a dating couple, a married couple... would we check on our partner's/loved one's personal records just to track that they have been faithful? everyone is aware it's not right, but we conclude that no matter whether we admit it or not, when our instincts tells us something is fishy, our selfish desire to know will overpower our respect for our better half's right to secrecy. the topic was not explored in depth, partly cos we were in our kayaks, under the hot sun, in our life jackets...

a fren of mine is a gifted (in my opinion at least) writer, i love reading the short stories that he wrote. encouraged by me, he started blogging and posting his original works on his blogs. i don't know how but he had gained a small following of loyal readers (i guess I can call them FANS, some of them he had never met in real-life before). He's a high school teacher you see... and being a radical teacher, he treats students as friends and perhaps not without a little materialistic desire for recognition & admiration, he revealed his blog address to his students. So it goes without saying that his loyal fanbase includes some students who looks upon him as teacher, mentor and perhaps their inspiration...

soon after I realised his articles had become far less frequent, and somehow less realistic, in short, just not as moving anymore... n eventually he gave up writing, lost the will to write he said, my guess is he no longer could find the joy in writing. Because he could no longer write freely, everyone began to read too much into his life from what he writes. He lost the freedom to adapt creatively what is happening in his private life, love, marriage, to a fictional literary work, his creations became politically correct, bland & tasteless... not long after, he closed down his blog...

the lust for attention vs the want for privacy.... wishing to share our happiness with the world, yet at the same time, fearing our dark secrets would be known...

life's so-called ironies?...

It's like the fact that I m suffering from constipations.... bloggers' constipation to be exact... so much inside to let out, but it's stuck at my fingertips, just before my manicured fingers land on my keywords to produce words on the screen... i sit in front of my laptop & stare for 2 minutes, then I realise.... Nothing to output.... Nothing to write, that I want people to know.... must writing a book be accompanied inevitably by the heavy cost of being read like an open book?

I wonder....Excuse me while I unconstipate myself... Goodnight...

I just wish I could become as candid as I was when I was young... Freedom... how I miss it...